The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
