I hate your face
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
