and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
