the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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