she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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