doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
