dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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