I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
