I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
