foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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