it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You were trust falling into bushes
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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