note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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