I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
