New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
