Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
