If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
