seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
