if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
