She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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