We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
