Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
