Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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