At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
