Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
