We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
