i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
