Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
