My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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