Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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