Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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