My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
