Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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