my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
