Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
