My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
