it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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