i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
