You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
