theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
