I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
