I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
