full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
That accounts for only three of the penises
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
