I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
