God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
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I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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