You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
