Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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