we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
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Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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