Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
