Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
