I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
