Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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