He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
