I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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