Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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