by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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