Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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