I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
