How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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