Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
