i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
