aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
