my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
PS: I just woke up from my shower
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
